Both Sides
by Katchoo91
Summary: Draco will do anything to gain the Dark Mark and prove his worth. When he finds a secret he wish he hadn't, he grabs the chance to exploit it, no matter how dark and wrong. DM/LM
1. Prologue

**I am kind of ambivalent about this. But I really couldn't get the story out of my head so I had to write it down. I like to think that I'm able to write very in caracter, so I tried to make this as realistic as possible. For now, I have it almost written out, prologue + two chapters. **

**If you're reading this, I hope you won't judge me too hard. But on the other side, you clicked on this. :b Be welcome to tell me if you see a mistake or something.**

**Incest coming up.**

* * *

Draco Malfoy had always been scared of his father. The cold distance he emitted and the uncalmable rage that hid behind the silver grey eyes. Rage that didn't take much to inflame, especially in the deserted mansion that only held the three of them, Draco, Lucius, Narcissa and the countless almost unseen house elves that seemed to dissappear at night.

But lately the childish fears of beatings and scoldering had substituted for the fear of all the ugly things he saw in Lucius, that he sometimes also saw in himself. There were times when he had openly liftet the shields he tried to hide behind, and attempted to let his father in, but as he grew older these moments grew rarer.

The first time, when he had been six, and Lucius had silently entered his bedroom, his heart had shrunk with the fear that shot up in him, when he knew he had done something wrong. His father only came to him on such occasions.

He had closed his eyes hard, pretending to still be asleep as he should be. His back was against the door, so he could only feel when Lucius sat down on the bed.

He waited in darkness for Lucius to speak, wake hime up or turn on the lights. But he didn't. Draco had no idea how much time had passed when he suddenly felt a big hand resting softly on his arm. The first seconds he had been paralyzed with fear, but as the time went on and nothing happened, he began to relax more. Tried to keep his breath slow and steady as he had heard his mother sound, when she had fallen asleep in front of the big fireplace.

It had felt like hours before his father had liftet his hand of him and left the room. Draco had sighed a sigh of relief when he heard the door close.

Apart from the first and last, these occorunces had mixed themself together and flown into the stream of memories in Dracos mind. He couldn't remember the duration the visits had taken place over, weeks, months or years. Neither when Lucius presence in the room had changed from something scary to reassuring. The fear had grown into something nice and relaxing. In these moments, where his father hadn't been scolding or demanding, resting a warm protective hand on Draco, had been the only moments he could remember where he had felt like something else than a nuisance and like his father truly did care about him. Why else would he take time out of his neatly planned schedule to sit here by his apparently sleeping son.

He wasn't sure how many times his father had visited him nightly, he couldn't remember, and it had struck him that he actually may have been asleep sometimes when his father had been there. He wouldn't know. But the memories stood out to him, like something nice, warm and secret, those few moments where he had truly felt safe.

He did remember when the visits stopped. But again, he wouldn't understand the importance or implications of what he had heard that evening, until many years later. And that he perhaps should have been more afraid than ever, in those moments.

_He remembers the hand softly placed on his shoulder. _

_Draco almost twitched when Narcissa suddenly spoke, but he had supressed the chock, lying perfectly still, pretending to sleep._

_"Don't touch him."_

_Lucius had obviously been surprised too,as the bed gently shoke as he turned around, quickly retracting his hand and probably facing the door where Narcissa stood._

_"I can touch my son."_

_"I see how you look at him."_

_Lucius made a sound almost like a snort. "Please." He sounded amused and Narcissa didn't answer right away. _

_"I know what your father did to you and you will not do the same to my son. I will not let him be a victim of your narcissism. You are sick."_

_Draco stiffened._

_Lucius stood up and the mattress liftet slightly. Draco could feel the tension grow as Lucius approached her. He didn't know what his mother had meant,but he knew what was coming next, as so many times before. He could feel it. He closed his eyes harder shut._

_The sound of a hand meeting naked flesh hard. _

_"You will never speak to me like that again,"Lucius snarled. " You are my wife and will treat me with the respect I deserve. " He had paused. "Do you understand?"_

_It felt like an eternity before she answered. "Yes." _

_"Don't question I love him." _

_Draco's heart had made a somersault. His father had never told him he loved him, only his mother, and that was already rarely._

_But Narcissa had made a sound, almost like laughter. "No, I don't doubt that," she answered in a mocking voice_

_He hit her again and the sound made Draco squirm._

_"Go to bed," Lucius demanded. He sounded like he always did, cold and aloof, like nothing had happened. The seconds had again ticked on, until he had finally heard a demonstratively reluctant sigh, and then the heels of his mother, slowly tacking down the corridor, dissappearing in the big mansion. _

_His father had stood there, for a long time, before he finally also had left the room, closing the door softly behind him. _


	2. Chapter 1

**This got a little longer than I expected, but I really try to justify peoples actions in my stories, even when they're morally wrong. :D**

**Please leave a comment, and be welcome to tell me about mistakes. I feel like I went blind writing this, I can't see my grammar mistakes anymore. Enjoy.**

* * *

The window was open in the dining room, letting in the warm morning air.

Narcissa looked up from the Daily Prophet and smiled quickly as Draco entered the dining room. "Good morning." She looked down again before he could answer.

"Morning."

The seat reserved for Lucius at the end of the table was empty and only Narcissa was seated, where she always sat, at the longside, by Lucius' right hand. Draco took the chair opposite her and grabbed two pieces of toasted bread, from the big plate. A houseelf soundlessly poured tea into one of the fine delicate cups Draco hated.

"Anything planned for today?" Narcissa asked but Draco didn't answer.

He glanced at her while buttering his toast. "Where's father?" he then asked casually.

Narcissa didn't look up from the paper. "Work."

"At the ministry?"

"Yes, probably."

Draco took a bite of his toast, slowly chewing and swallowing before speaking again carefully. "Did he come home last night?"

Narcissa didn't move, but her pupils had stopped in their track Draco noticed. "No," she answered before looking up again, taking a sip of her tea and meeting his glance. "He can't be home all the time, important people are relying on your father right now."

"Are you talking about the Dark Lord?"

Narcissa sighed demonstratively before putting her cup down. "Why, Draco?"

"I'm not a child. Don't treat me like that, like I'm an idiot, I was there when Potter came back with that Diggory kid. I want to know exactly what's going on and take part in it."

"You wan't to know everything?"

"I could help, that's what I'm saying."

For a second Draco thought he could see a glimmer of a grin on her face, then it was replaced by genuine concern.

"I think you are trying to bite more off than you can chew," she said, leaning back and studying him with eyes that had a worried look in them.

"I am not a child!"

"You are fifteen!" Narcissa cut in, in a stern voice. "And until you are of age we will not discuss this further. Understood?"

Something in her voice told Draco he probably shouldn't pursue the topic anymore. So he just nodded.

"And even then, you'd have to speak to your father about it, " she added in a sudden cold voice, looking back down at the paper. "He's more.. involved than I."

"He never has the time.." Draco said, slumping back against the uncomfortable chair.

"Does he hate me?"

Draco hadn't intended to ask, but the words had slipped out without him meaning to. He felt his cheeks grow hot and looked down at the plate of half eaten toast.

Narcissa had looked up, a stern look in her face."Draco look at me," she said and he had. "Don't ever think that. He.. We love you, very much."

He had nodded once, but it probably hadn't looked convincing since Narcissa added. "He's very busy, you know that."

"Can I be excused?"

"You barely haven't eaten anything."

"I'm not hungry."

Narcissa looked at him like she tried to read his thoughts. Then she sighed and lowered her eyes back to the paper. "You can go."

* * *

Narcissa knocked twice and waited for Lucius to speak.

"Enter," his voice finally called, and she opened the door, stepping into the study.

A dark desk stood in the middle of the room, which Lucius sat behind. On his right were a small fireplace, mostly used to contact other people of importance quickly when it was needed. The walls could barely be seen by the bookshelves decorated by expensive books and countless items that that in themself could throw them both in azkaban for a very long time. No windows.

Narcissa cleared her throat and took place in front of the big, dark desk and Lucius looked up from the letter he was writing.

"Yes?"

"We need to talk about Draco."

A single line appeared on Lucius' forehead wich Narcissa took for concern. So she continued.

"He want's to become a Death Deater."

Lucius smiled. "I'm aware. But I won't le-"

"And he think's you hate him," Narcissa interruptet. "You are very important to him for some reason."

Lucius leaned back in the chair, eyeing his wife. "Why does he think I hate him?"

"Well, try your absence for a start. You always avoid him."

"I specifically remember _you_ telling me on several occasions not to touch him."

"You know what I meant."

"No, I didn't actually, Narcissa," Lucius said in the most patient voice he could muster. He folded his hands in front of him on the desk. "What are you so afraid of? You seem very interested and conflicted about my relationsship with him. If you are so afraid of what you think I might do to him, why are you complaining about me not being near the boy"

"Only because he cares about you."

Lucius paused before speaking again. "So what should I do?"

"You could go talk to him."

"Am I allowed?" He asked with a cold fire burning behind his eyes.

"To talk, yes." She said, her eyes lightning back. "Nothing more."

"You must think so little of me, Narcissa," Lucius said with a little smile.

"You're right," she answered and Lucius' face turned to stone.

He stod up and the chair almost fell when it was pushed back. "I have never laid a finger on that boy!" he thundered. "Never touched a hair on his head, what grudge can you possibly keep holding against me!?"

"No, you don't even touch him. Sometimes, I think it's because you're afraid, because you know what you're cabable of," Narcissa said in a quiet voice while rising to her feet.

Lucius was furios. He was about to open his mouth, to say something, when Narcissa interruptet him again.

"I'm not afraid of you anymore," she said, that cold dead look still in her eyes. "Only of what you might do to Draco. I stay because of him, and I will stay, after he is of age. But if you ever hurt him I _will_ leave. With him. And I will tell everybody."

"There is nothing to tell," Lucius hissed through nearly closed lips.

"Let's keep it that way, Lucius," she added, before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

* * *

The next day almost passed before Draco heard from his father.

He had been sitting on his bed for the last hour, polishing his Nimbus 2001. He had gotten a new one, as a welcome gift home, but his old broom still stood out to him. And sometimes, like now, he would try to groom it and without luck bring it back to it's former glory and look. He looked up when someone knocked on the door.

Three knocks.

He waited a few seconds before answering. "Enter."

A little houseelf peeped his head inside, before opening the door completely, bowing and looking up at Draco with big brown eyes. "Master Malfoy requires your presence in the study," the elf squeeked.

"Tell him he can come here if he want to talk to me."

"But the Master specifically said.."

"I don't _care_ what he told you," Draco interrupted. "I'm not coming."

The houseelf paused before bowing so deep his nose touched the carpet. Then he looked up again. "Please sir, Master Dra-"

"GO!" Draco shouted and the houseelf almost jumped his own height in the air before hurrying back out the door and down the hallway.

Draco sighed. Then he waited. His father always took his time, and this was no exception. Twenty minutes passed in silence as Draco finished off polishing his broom, then began grooming the tail.

Lucius didn't knock, he opened the door like he owned the room, wich he did, and marched confidently in.

Draco froze for a second, then looked up again.

"What do you want?" he asked in a harsh voice.

Lucius liftet an eyebrow but didn't comment on Dracos tone.

"We should speak."

Draco didn't answer but instead waited for his father to start.

"I think you owe me an apology."

"For what?" Draco blurtet out. His father eyes we're lightning at him at he knew he was pushing bounderies and walking on thin eyes. He didn't care.

"I expect you to come when I send for you."

"Why? You don't even respect me!?" Draco said and threw the broom on the bed when he stood up.

"Respect is earned, Draco," Lucius hissed. "Since you don't respect me, I can't seem to return the favor."

"Like running around for you like a dog?"

"Draco," Lucius just said in a warning tone.

"If.. if I became a Death Eater I could show you what I'm capable of, I would make you proud."

"No."

"Do you hate me?" Draco asked, looking at his father with a hopeless look in his face. Lucius paused, and Draco had a bad feeling that his father actually had to think about the question.

"No."

"So you just don't care about me."

Lucius hadn't said anything for a long time, eyeing the boy in front of him.

"I try to make the right choices for you. You may not see it now, but you will when you get older."

"Well, you treat me like a child," Draco mumbled to the carpet.

Lucius liftet his hand, placing it gently on his sons shoulder. "You are," he then said, in a softer voice than Draco had ever heard him use before. He looked up at his father, and met his gaze before being pulled into a hug.

Draco froze. He couldn't remember the last time his father had hugged him and it felt nice, althoug sligthly awkard. But then he felt Lucius' hands glide down his back, ending on his hips, and alarm clocks began ringing in the back of Dracos mind.

"Respect is earned, Draco." Lucius whispered, his hands still resting on Draco and he felt a huge relief when his father finally let go and took a step back, looking him in the eyes.

"You will earn the dark mark when you are ready, not before."

"What if a war breaks out?"

Lucius seemed to think about it for a minute. "If something happens, that will make me reconsider, I will reconsider."

Draco didn't continue. He felt dumbstruck by his father's sudden hug and endearment. So he just nodded.

* * *

The winter lay thick over Malfoy Manor. Draco had barely seen his father after he came home from Hogwarts, not counting christmas eve, morning, and new years wich he had attended but with a distracted, tired look on his face and left as soon as he possible could.

Draco had asked his mother many times what was happening, where his father was leaving to, but had just got increasingly more annoyed and misleading answers.

So when he a cold january morning was sitting alone in the dining room, had looked down at the Daily Prophet and seen his aunt grinning back up at him it was like a slap to the face.

He had sighed and leaned back in his chair, looking out the window which was coated by a thick level of snow on the outside.

Bellatrix was not in Azkaban anymore.

He spent the most of the day wandering the mansion, and when his mother finally came home, long after dinner, he met her in the hall.

"Where have you been?"

Narcissa looked at him with a surprised look in her eyes.

"What are you so upset about?" she asked casually while hanging her coat on the coatstand by the door.

"Have you been with Bellatrix?"

She froze for a second, but then turned to her son with a smile on her face.

"It doesn't concern you, Draco."

"Yes, it does! She's my aunt. You always do this, you never tell me anything." Draco shouted, feeling as hopeles as ever.

"Draco NO!" Narcissa commanded, looking more annoyed and tired than ever. "I have told you we wouldn't discuss this until you turn seventeen."

"Things have changed, I want to know what's going on, it's on the front page of the Prophet for Merlins sake!"

Narcissa looked at her son and reminded Draco of a statue. "Well, then you'll have to talk to your father about it."

"He told me he would talk to me, but I barely haven't seen him." He paused. "Tell me where Bellatrix is. She's the only one who'll take me seriously, she won't treat me like an idiot.

"You barely even know her, Draco."

"I know her enough! She's not afraid, of anything, not even showing who she is no matter what it means."

Narcissa looked like she had been hit in the face.

"Don't be ridicoulus."

"I'm going to pack my things now. And I'll go look for her. It'll be easier if you just tell me where she is but I don't care." Then he turned on his heel and walked back up the stairs.

Ten minutes later, Lucius entered the house. A houseelf followed by Narcissa hurried down the stairs to greet him.

"Welcome home, Maste-" the houself began but Lucius interrupted it when Narcissa stood in from of him.

"Is he still here?"

Narcissa sniffed the air and shot her husband a reprouchful look.

"Have you been drinking?"

Lucius didn't answer, he just met his wifes eyes. "Where is he?" he hissed.

"He.. in his room," Narcissa said. She could feel the fear she tried to supress so hard, smolder in her stomach.

Lucius threw his cloak over the stand and went upstairs.

narcissa looked after him with a worried look on her face

The door slammed open and Lucius entered the room, filling it with rage in seconds.

Draco froze, with the robe still in his hands. He had counted on his father coming home much later and had planned to change clothes to something more anonymous and less pompous than the Slytherin green cloak he had been wearing all day before wandering around and trying to find an escaped prisoner from Azkaban.

"Where are you going?" Lucius asked in a demanding voice.

Draco straigthened up and tried to seem higher than he actually was, not to seem embarrassed by his own nakednes. "AuntBellatrix, father," he said, in a calm unaffected voice.

Lucius didn't seem surprised at Dracos coldness or answer and Draco assumed his mother had told him, probably sent him an owl, and that's why he had come home so much earlier than he had the past days. Instead he lifted his head, surveying the boy in front of him with cold, angry eyes.

"Youre are not of legal age and you live under my roof."

"I don't care, I can do whatever I want."

Draco was sure he saw a fire explode in Lucius eyes and he swallowed. Lucius didn't say anything, instead he aproached Draco with a determination he had never seen before. Quickly he lifted his right hand and grabbed his sons neck in a hard grip, turning his face up against his own.

"No, you can not," Lucius hissed and Draco could smell the fire whisky on his breath. His nails dug into the back of Draco's neck who refused to show any sign of weakness and instead just stared back with the hardest glance he could manage.

"You are neither clever, nor strong, your magic is mediocre and you are not capable of doing anything singlehandedly. When you turn seventeen you wil continue to be a disappointment on your own, but until that day, I will decide where you live and what you do, _every single moment_."

Draco felt like he had been hit in the face. He thought that he actually would have prefered that over the hard truth his father had just told him, confirming everything he feared. The nails dug deeper into the back of his head now and he fought to keep back the tears he could feel prickling behind his eyes. The courage it had taken so long to gather dissappeared in seconds.

"Do you understand, Draco," Lucius added slowly, putting weight behind each word.

Draco didn't say anything. He could feel the apathy spread in his chest and felt like a little child, defeated. He wasn't sure he could keep his voice under control if he used it.

Lucius hand crept up to Dracos hair, where he grabbed him and forced his head back further so his neck was exposed.

"Answer me," Lucius demanded in a loud voice, shaking Draco.

"Yes, sir," Draco answered, in a very little voice.

"Good." Lucius' voice and temper had changed immediately back to the usual cold stiffness after Draco had spoken. Back to the facade, Draco thought.

He let go of his son and instead placed his hand softly on his shoulder. "You can be a good boy when you want to."

Draco wanted to hit him in the face. Or curse him with the worst wiggly ears in history. Instead he looked down at the carpet.

Then Lucius hugged Draco. Again Draco froze when his face got pressed against Lucius' shoulder. He suddenly felt very naked against his father, and he went cold as he felt Lucius' hands slide slowly down his back, stopping to rest on his hips.

"And you want to make me happy, don't you Draco..?" Lucius whispered softly and Draco could hear the alarm bells in his head starting up again, very suddenly and now very loud.

"Y-yes," he stammered, turning his face away so he could breathe again, without being buried in his fathers robes and smell.

Lucius moved his head so his nose and lips was in the boys hair.

Draco culdn't remember a time when his father had ever touched him without a layer of cloth between them and his naked hands felt strange and uncomfortable against his skin.

He felt relief for a moment when Lucius finally let go of him. But then he felt the hands on his pants, slowly forcing them down and a fear a thousand times more intense than he had ever felt shot through his body. His eyes widened in shock as he finally realised what was going on. What was going to happen if he didn't stand up for himself.

With a force that took all the strenght he had, he lifted his arms and pushed his father away. Lucius took two steps back, swaying on his feet before finding the balance and quickly straightening up.

But he didn't stand still for long, and in seconds he was over the boy again, holding him in a metal grip by the jaw, pressing him against the wall.

"Respect is earned, Draco," Lucius hissed, his mouth inches from his ear.

Draco didn't answer, he felt completely frozen, he didn't even speak when Lucius grabbed his hand. But the life finally got back into him when he felt his hand being guided in under his fathers robes and he tried pulling it back.

"No, no, no.." he begged, but his voice was only a whisper now and Lucius didn't answer, he just grabbed his son harder.

Draco clenched his hand into a first, using all his strengt in trying to get his arm back.

"Let me go," he said, tried making it sound demanding, but there was still no answer, only Lucius' free, cold hand on his back, gliding down, until his fingertips touched the fabric of his pants and with little difficulty crept inside.

Draco finally found his voice. "No, wait, wait!" he begged, before his voice raised to a shout. "NO, LET ME GO! LET GO OF ME!"

And Lucius finally did, showing Draco to the ground.

"Shut up, pathetic child," he snarled with an annoyed look on his face. His hair was only a little messy and he quickly got his lost breath back.

Draco just looked up at him, still wideeyed in fear.

Lucius looked down at him, that angry dissatisfied look still in his eyes, before turning on his heel and dissappearing out the door without another word.

Draco curled into a ball on the floor, his heart racing in his chest. He felt the tears come long before he began sobbing.


End file.
